Attachments

One of the questions that most adoptive parents ask themselves on their journey of adoption is "Will I be able to bond with this child and they with me?" I think this is especially true for adoptive parents who have already had biological children since they have something to compare it to. I have to admit that I didn't give it much thought because I was sure that it would all work out no matter what happened. But along the road I learned a new and valuable lesson about bonding and attachment from our new little girl.

By its very nature adoption is always the result of some catastrophic event in the life of the child and even sometimes in the life of the adoptive parents. So from the very outset there are challenges and those challenges are magnified when the child is old enough to have some idea of what is going on. When I think about how Gracie must have felt when her nanny handed her to this strange family who didn't look anything like the people she was used to being with it almost breaks my heart. As happy as we were to see her she was just as unhappy to see us. Our tears were tears of joy and hers were tears of fear and sorrow and while she couldn't totally comprehend what was happening to her she knew something was up.

One of the things that sticks with me is watching Gracie go through the process of accepting us into her life. Once she got over the initial shock of being with us it seemed that she accepted being with us like a child would accept a babysitter. She had to depend on someone and so she chose to trust us but as the days went on and it became apparent to her that she was stuck with us she had to make another adjustment to accept us as her family. I believe biological children come pre-wired for that but adopted children have to make that decision. But it's not just the adopted child that has to make that transition the adoptive family does too, and that's where attachment issues can become evident.

I'm happy to say that our attachment journey has been a good one. Gracie attached to me first, then her sister, and finally with mom. We think it took a little longer for her to really accept mom because of her relationship with her foster mom in China. I'm sure it took a while for her little heart to stop grieving the loss of the only woman she had known as a mother. But as we have shared our love with her she has learned that she can trust us and that we aren't going to leave her and now she feels comfortable is expressing her love to us It's so precious when she spontaneously will come up to us and start kissing our faces. She'll start with out cheek, then she wants to kiss our head, then finish up with a big kiss! Yep she's our daughter alright.